When we lose someone, most times it feels surreal, like a bad dream. We may wake up feeling sad, even crying, or anxious with a tightness in our chests. Losing friends, family, or partners can make us feel disoriented and lost. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, so give yourself permission to grieve however you need to if you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else.
GRIEF IS NORMAL AND NECESSARY FOR HEALING.
Pretending like something didn’t happen or pushing away the feelings will only make them fester like an infected wound. This negative energy gets stuck in our mind and body, which many times then leads to difficulty with impulsivity and managing our emotions. It’s like trying to keep the lid on a pot of boiling water……. you eventually get burned. Grief cannot be taken away and it is painful. We must accept that this is our new reality and what that means, even for our day to day.
Sitting with our emotions in an accepting and non-judgmental way is very helpful in allowing ourselves to heal. It can feel scary to let yourself feel all your feelings if you’ve put up a dam and they come flooding in. However, they are like the ocean tide where they may rush in and bubble but then they eventually recede. Grief emotions commonly come in waves, sometimes unexpected without triggers. We’re more susceptible to waves of grief when tired, hungry or under a lot of stress. We’re all fully capable of feeling our emotions as they come and not going off the deep end.
WE MUST NOT DWELL ON THE “SHOULDA, COULDA, WOULDA’S”.
When grieving the loss of a loved one, we may experience guilt or question if our behaviors were reflective of our feelings. Remember, we cannot go back in time. Sitting in the past feeling guilt and beating ourselves up doesn’t help anyone. If there are things you wished you could have said or done and didn’t before the person died, write a letter to the person. Once written, you can keep it, burn it, shred it, tear it up, or bury it. You can read it out loud to someone like your therapist or a close friend. Being able to express these emotions, this energy, and intentionally channel it can be very healing so it’s not sitting or stuck inside our mind and body. If you want, talk to them out loud like they can hear you or journal to that person as you live your life and want to share things with them even though they are not on this plane of existence.
KEEPING THEIR MEMORY ALIVE IS HEALING.
Talking about your loved one that has died may feel awkward at first. We might think about calling the person, but then we remember we can’t. We may catch ourselves talking about the person like they are still here. Give yourself permission to make these adjustments and don’t beat yourself up. It is exactly that…..an adjustment, a life transition. By talking about the person, remembering the good times and expressing them when you think about it, we are honoring their existence and their impact. Our memories, love and lives keep them alive. They are still with you because of who you became and by being with them; they are part of you and live through you.
MOVING FORWARD BUILDS RESILIENCY.
Losing a loved one creates a ripple effect of loss. We not only lose the person and our relationship with them, but we may also lose our plans with them and possibly our way of life if they were helpful. No one will ever “replace” that loss, but over time the person will usually be replaced for their role. Your own life is still valuable and the person who died would not want you to dwell and not move on. Who will fill that role for what the person used to do for you? Replacing does not mean forgetting. Replacing shows healthy grieving and allowing a change in expectations of whomever will fill the lost person’s shoes. This also requires your own awareness of your needs, self-compassion and your openness and patience with yourself to reach out.
DEATH TEACHES US GRATEFULNESS AND APPRECIATION FOR LIFE.
Death teaches us that every moment counts, so we must value the time and opportunities that we do have because we may not get long. Make sure that those that you truly love know how you feel. Gratefulness can help us make better decisions and experience life more mindfully. This mindfulness can deepen our connections with others and help us to be more open, even creating new connections. Death can also lead us closer to the realization of our own mortality which can be depressing, scary and potentially motivating to get to fulfilling our “bucket list”. We honor their memory by living our best lives and taking care of ourselves.
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