This is a time of year when we are faced with the ‘have to’s’. Please give yourself and others around you permission to question and explore.
When we are growing up, we learn ‘rules’ (often unspoken) from parents, coaches, teachers, relatives, and other influential people in our lives. We call these narratives. Many times, we are unaware that we continue to carry these narratives around with us and hold ourselves and others accountable
to them, without questioning them, or even knowing if we agree, disagree, and to what extent.
As an ‘emerging adult’ individualizes, trying to figure out their own beliefs and self-identification, this is part of their self-exploration. They should question, challenge, and may frequently change their minds.
As an adult, we realize that we may want to do things differently than our parents did. We make the rules. Dealing with family is complex. Take parts that you like and leave or redefine parts that you don’t like. Just because someone whom we love and/or was/is influential in our lives growing up, does not mean we ‘have to’ have the same beliefs. Being our own person is very respectable. We can’t live our lives for other people. Sometimes they will never understand and be disappointed, but that’s on them. We can only try to get along.
I had a client we will call Paula. She grew up in a very religious and strict home. After she got married and had her own children, she started to question her religious and spiritual beliefs and found herself radically disagreeing with her parents parenting styles. She felt judged, not good enough, and that she couldn’t be her authentic self. She did not ever want her children to feel the way she did when she was growing up. As we walk through these steps to change narratives, I will use Paula as the example.
Try these steps:
1. What are some of your narratives? Are there things I think I ‘have to’ do that doesn’t align with my morals and values?
Paula realized that she didn’t want to force herself and family to attend a church where she did not believe what they believed. Paula’s values felt different that her parents where she wants her children to be comfortable being themselves and always accepted and unconditionally loved by her and her husband.
2. Question the narratives. Ask yourself,
What are my values?
Paula values unconditional love, respect, and being our authentic selves.
What kind of person do I want to be? Do my actions reflect my values?
Paula wants to live an authentic life, where people feel loved and accepted around her. As hard as it is to ‘disobey’ her parents, Paula decides she and her family will no longer attend that church and will limit the time she exposes her children to her parents. She will also coach her kids to understand.
3. Rewrite the narratives to align with your values.
It’s most important to Paula that her kids feel loved and accepted even if her parents judge her and are disappointed by her. Paula believes it’s important to be herself. Paula believes it is normal to question our religious and spiritual beliefs to find what fits us best and that religion should not be forced upon anyone.
4. Align your expectations of yourself and others with your rewritten narratives. Living with narratives that do not represent who we are or who we want to be, will give us unrealistic expectations.
Paula is learning and still struggles how to accept her parent’s constant judgement and disappointment. She does not want to be a disappointment to them. However, she understands that their beliefs and reactions are in their control and they have made it clear they have no desire to change or even try to understand. If they are ever open to listening, then maybe one day they can have a candid conversation. She still has a relationship with her parents and sets her boundaries for emotional protection. Paula does not want to be like her parents and has different values that she wants reflected in her own family. This makes Paula sad. However, she is proud of herself as a Mom that her children feel unconditionally loved and accepted.
If you notice that your morals and narratives don’t align and you still hold yourself to expectations from the narratives, you may frequently have feelings of disappointment, anger, guilt, insecure, self-doubt, apprehension, and identify with the following:
· Very critical of yourself – Negative self-talk – Lack self-compassion
· Ignore or downplay your positive qualities
· Judge yourself to be inferior to others
· Blame yourself for circumstances beyond your control
· Have troubles believing or accepting compliments
Values lead to Narratives, which lead to Realistic expectations
5. Rewrite narratives without all-or-nothing thinking. (No ‘have to’s’)
Paula’s example: “I have to go to church and make my family believe what my parents believe. I have to please my parents and not let them down.”
Rewrite: “I want to explore my religious and spiritual beliefs before choosing to attend a religious institution. It’s my job as a parent to respect and encourage my children to question their religious and spiritual beliefs, even if they disagree with mine. As long as they do not hurt anyone else or themselves, it is OK. I understand self-exploration comes in phases.
My parents will never be ‘pleased’ with me, so I cannot expect what they are not able to give. This makes me sad and disappointed in them because they are missing out on having a more depthful relationship with their daughter and grandkids. However, that is not my fault. I have done nothing wrong. Just because I am different than them, does not mean I am wrong or bad. I am a moral and good person and try to live my life with integrity. This is also reflected in my children, and I am proud to be their mother.
*** If you want to learn more about how to set boundaries and how to verbalize your thoughts and feelings in ways that still feel kind, assertive, and authentic to you, contact me for a consultation. I can help you be true to yourself and get more of what you want out of life.