“IF I CONTINUE TO DO WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS DONE, THEN I’M GOING TO GET WHAT I’VE ALWAYS GOT” (FORSYTH & EIFERT, 2016, P. 15).
Changing our behaviors is not easy, especially if we’ve been in patterns for quite a while. The older we are, typically the longer it takes to rewire our brains to go with another pattern. However, it is never too late to at least try! Here are some tips and tricks to help.
1. BE AWARE
If we are not aware of what we want to change, we can’t change it. If people are telling us to make a change, but we don’t see it, it’s not going to change long-term. We must be mindful of what it is and what we are getting out of it. We usually continue behaviors because we get something out of it. However, sometimes they are useless patterns and we don’t know why we do something. Take 5 deep breaths with long exhales. Choose to pay attention!
2. MORAL DESIRE
If we want to make a change, it has to be something that we really want. If we can root the want in our morals and values, it will really take hold. For example, My friend doesn’t like the way I talk and joke with him sometimes and says it’s negative and makes him feel bad. That’s not my intention. I’m just joking around. However, I value my friendship with this person and therefore, his words and feelings are important to me. This makes me really want to make a change. Keep reminding yourself as to why making the change is important to YOU. This will also help you when you mess-up and get upset with yourself.
3. CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIORS AND FOCUS ON ROUTINES
If we want to add a behavior such as wanting to remember to take a vitamin or medicine, it’s recommended we add it to a routine we already have in place. For example, brushing our teeth is a routine and we can even put the medicine or vitamin near our toothpaste so we see it. Pertaining to communication, maybe each time you see that individual you think of them as having a bad day to help you have more kindness and compassion. Whatever works best for you. These are just ideas/examples.
4. BE INTENTIONAL AND PRACTICE
Since change takes time and is not easy, we must practice as regularly as possible and be intentional about it. One client wanted to think before she spoke and instead of telling herself to think before speaking, she said “STOP”. She explained that this forced her to be intentional and practice each time she wanted to speak.
5. SELF-COMPASSION AND PATIENCE
When making changes, we have to give ourselves a little bit of breathing room. It’s not going to be the way we want it for a while and we need to accept and lean into the challenge. Keep making small incremental strides and notice each little notch of progress. Maybe you caught yourself after you said something and apologized right away. That’s telling the person you are aware it’s a problem and you’re trying to work on it because their friendship is important to you. There is no such thing as perfection so don’t expect it.
Expect challenges and mess-ups and think “how can I make this better next time?” How would you treat a friend who was trying to do what you’re trying to do? You’d probably encourage and support them, not being so hard on them. You deserve this treatment too! Research shows that we have to be flexible with ourselves to perform well.
Learn more on self-compassion:
Self-compassion Guided Meditations by Dr. Kristen Neff
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