A long-awaited book has recently come out documenting the 80-year-long study by Harvard University on happiness. The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (Jan 10th, 2023) followed 700 men and their families. Co-authors Robert Waldinger and Mark Schulz give the #1 answer up front.
“If we had to take all 84 years of the Harvard study and boil it into a single principle for living, one life investment that is supported by similar findings across a wide variety of other studies, it would be this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.” Here are the 9 ways Waldinger and Schulz suggest to improve your happiness according to the research and book.
1. AUTHENTICALLY EVALUATE YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIPS
We can only improve things when we are aware of their current state. What relationships do you put the most time and effort into? Does it give you the same as your investment? What relationships give you back the most? Which are most important to you? What relationships have been disappointing? Which relationships do you wish were better? It’s never too late to start shifting your time and efforts into shaping your relationships, especially given the answer to happiness in multiple studies over the past almost 100 years.
2. NURTURE CASUAL RELATIONSHIPS
Think of all the casual relationships you encounter in one day. Our lives are largely made up of casual relationships. I think of the same pharmacist or checkout person at the grocery store or the crossing guard I rely upon each day to help make sure my son is safe walking across the street to school. Sometimes these relationships evolve, sometimes not, and other times they remain constant, which can prove to be reliable.
3. MAKE TIME FOR CONVERSATIONS
A study out of the University of Kansas Relationship and Technology Lab says that it only takes reaching out to one person a day to have a conversation to help us increase happiness and decrease stress. Jeffrey Hall explains, “The more that you listened to your friends, the more that you showed care, the more that you took time to value others’ opinion, the better you feel at the end of the day.” We can use active listening by summarizing and validating the person. Example: “Sounds like you’re really disappointed that xyz happened. I’m sorry you had that experience.” It may not feel like we’re doing much, but feeling truly heard by someone that we love or care about is more important than we think.
4. USE YOUR TIME WISELY
Spend time with the people you care about. Be kind, especially to the people you care about! Research has noted that couples who report agreeableness and emotional stability are happier. What does this mean? Just because your partner is a nice person is not enough for a lifetime of happiness. Spending more time with the people you find moral alignment, will lead to more agreements and emotional stability. Values are highly underrated.
5. TAKE TIME TO VOLUNTEER
When we take time to volunteer and help others, not only are we appreciated, but it is rewarding. It can give us a sense of gratitude. Studies have shown that even a few hours a week of volunteering can help ease grief and loss as well as increase feelings of gratitude and happiness.
6. LEARN TO APOLOGIZE
Nurturing relationships can include repairing relationships. For those empaths, be cautious of saying sorry for something that is not your fault. For others, just because you didn’t intend on hurting someone’s feelings does not mean that they don’t still need an apology from you. You can still explain yourself with an apology. Also, apologies mean that you understand where you went wrong and you’ve learned from it. That means you won’t do it again. Keep this in mind. Our feelings are never wrong. It’s how we handle our feelings that’s important.
7. BE CURIOUS AND ASK QUESTIONS
Give your relationships the opportunity to educate you on themselves. Having a curious mindset can help us be in a good place to get to know someone and even deepen our relationships.
8. SHOW YOUR LOVE (HAPPINESS)
This doesn’t mean just saying “I love you!”, although that can be good, especially if you don’t say it often and you mean it.
· Pick up or drop off someone at the airport.
· Offer to do something for them when they don’t ask.
· Call someone out of the blue that you haven’t talked to in a few years.
· Send a text “I’m thinking about you!”
· Surprise someone with their favorite treat or food or a gift they’d like.
· Tell someone in person or a letter how thankful you are for them and their presence in your life.
9. BE WILLING TO BE VULNERABLE
Practice the rule of 3 overturns. This means that you give someone 3 chances to be willing to start a conversation or make plans and be rejected 3 times before giving up. The reasons being:
1. The possibility they didn’t get or understand the message (miscommunication)
2. The possibility they forgot or didn’t have time to reply.
3. The possibility that it’s their ego or fear getting in the way.
We can also use “I feel” statements to be vulnerable and give a little in hopes of having it reciprocated. For example, “I feel so happy when I’m with you!” (I feel _________ when……..)
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