Perfectionism involves a tendency to set standards that are so high that people either cannot meet them or they are only met with great difficulty. Perfectionists tend to believe that anything short of perfection is “horrible”, and that even minor imperfections will lead to “disaster”. Over time, perfectionists tear themselves down with their self-criticism and may even start to believe that they are not as capable as others. This catastrophic way of thinking is self-destructive, not only to our confidence, but our inner core as a human being.
Metaphor: Think of yourself as a train moving cross country. You may make a mistake by going in the wrong direction, but you haven’t fallen off the tracks. Most errors are not too costly, so don’t “catastrophize” and make it bigger than it needs to be. See it objectively for what it is and get back on track in the right direction.
WHY STRIVE FOR PERFECTION, SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT TRULY EXIST FOR HUMANS, TO ONLY BE DISAPPOINTED AND BEAT YOURSELF UP?
IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE FIGURING OUT WHETHER YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PERFECTIONISM, YOU MIGHT FIND ANSWERING THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS HELPFUL:
Do I have trouble meeting my own standards?
Do I often feel frustrated, depressed, anxious, or angry while trying to meet my standards?
Have I been told that my standards are too high?
Do my standards get in my own way?
For example, do they make it difficult for me to meet deadlines, finish a task, trust others, or do anything spontaneously?
Can I identify when I have been proud of myself this year?
Dr. Kamphoff developed the term Adaptive Perfectionism, where individuals set high personal standards, but have lower concern over mistakes or self-criticism. I have altered Dr. Kamphoff’s 3 steps to my own 5 step suggestion. Follow these 5 steps to mentally train yourself to adapt your perfectionism toward increased mental health and enhanced performance. Even if you don’t believe you are a perfectionist, these are skills that will help everyone succeed.
1. PROGRESSIVE GOALS
To adapt our expectations, we must be honest and real with ourselves and create goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, and flexible based on changes. Create smaller daily, weekly, and larger long-term goals, so when you accomplish your smaller goals, you are building your confidence and motivation toward the larger goals. The small goals can even include things you expect of yourself. Those are still accomplishments!
2. MINDFUL SELF-TALK
We must be mindful to recognize when we are using self-talk that does not coincide with our goal(s) and correct it to make it support the goal. Then repeat the corrected self-talk version over and over. This can also be seeing something for what it is and telling yourself over and over again. Test yourself and try to notice each time you talk to yourself in a day. Every human being talks to themselves, so unless you’re not human, you got this! If we’re aware of our self-talk, we can change it to feel better or accomplish goals. Awareness is key!
3. BE YOUR FRIEND, NOT YOUR ENEMY
Use self-compassion. Would you talk to your friends the way you talk to yourself? Judging yourself and beating yourself up will only make it harder for you to get back up. Would you do that to your friend? What would you do for your friend? NOW, do that for yourself. Again, work on your awareness of your self-talk to recognize when you need to change your self-talk and be kind to yourself. You are worthy of self-compassion and deserve self-compassion, so believe it!
4. GROWTH MINDSET
(Mindset, The New Psychology of Success by Dr. Carol Dweck) Humans will make mistakes and we are humans. How did we develop antibiotics? It was by accident! One of our greatest discoveries was discovered through a “mistake”. If we do not make mistakes, how will we learn and grow? Think back to your basic science class. You develop your hypothesis, you do the experiment and then compare your conclusion to your original hypothesis. What happens when your conclusion does not match your hypothesis? You GET to do another experiment! Again, an opportunity to learn more and try again with additional knowledge.
Another thought is that people say “to be the best we have to play with the best”. Well, the best will beat us and we will learn and get better. Accepting loss as opportunity is your key to resiliency. There is no such thing as failure, only opportunity.
5. HAVE FUN! (ALSO KNOWN AS “FLOW STATE”)
Research has shown that when we play and have fun competing, it leaves a larger window of enhanced performance. We’re not thinking about the pressures and we are enjoying what we are doing. Focusing on why you like or love what you do will replace those racing thoughts. Think about why you started your sport/performing to begin with and why you decided you like or love it. What makes you continue? Keeping that in mind increases internal motivation, which also leads to enhanced performance. Think about it…….of course, we’ll do better at something we love!
It is good to have high expectations and strive for success. To sustain an optimal level of performance, we need to adapt and realize perfection is unattainable. Starting with the ability to be honest and vulnerable with ourselves, (which metaphorically speaking, is looking at ourselves in the mirror,) is always the starting point to making any type of change. If we can have the courage to take that first step, working with a counselor or mental skills coach, we can choose to be happier and successful in life.
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