When we are people pleasers, we typically please others and then don’t get what we want or need. Sometimes we don’t get what we want and we still don’t please the other person. These are some tips to help you understand the line of people pleasing so that you can, still be a kind, caring, authentic person, and still get what you want or need.
1. KNOW WHAT EMOTIONS TIPS ARE YOURS AND WHAT EMOTIONS ARE THE OTHER PERSON’S.
We are not responsible for other people’s feelings. We affect people with our actions, tone of voice, what we say, etc. When we say, we are not able to do something and the other person is disappointed, that is their emotion, not our emotion. We are crossing a line by choosing to take on their emotion. We can certainly be disappointed that they are disappointed, but that is empathy. In each conversation, discern, what are your emotions and what are their emotions.
2. FIND COMFORT IN THE UNCOMFORTABLE.
People pleasers don’t want to make waves or feel other people’s discomfort. They don’t know what to do with it and it can be overwhelming. We may not like it, but we need to ACCEPT that this is reality. We are not going to please everybody. We will do our best, but there are times we need to say no, because other priorities take precedence. This takes a lot of practice, but it is also the best way to discover who your real friends are, and who is only around to take advantage of what you are willing to give to them. Our real friends will choose to understand that we are kind and caring, but also can’t do everything and have priorities of our own. They know we would if we could.
3. PEOPLE WILL TAKE WHAT WE LET THEM.
This is a very hard concept to believe and live by because people pleasers find it difficult to understand that this is the way many people live their lives. It is not naïve to. WANT to believe that people don’t intentionally take advantage of other people. However, some people prey on people pleasers to get as much as they can, and as long as they can. Just because someone is kind and empathetic, does not mean that they can be taken advantage of. So how do we do this?
4. KNOW YOUR VALUES AND LET YOUR MORAL COMPASS GUIDE YOU TO YOUR PRIORITIES.
Write them down. This is how we develop using boundaries. For example, if a friend asks you to do something for their family but at the same time, you need to do something for your own family, which is your priority? Of course, you want to help your friend and their family! Your intentions are good and meaningful. Some examples of a response may be,
“I would really love to help, especially knowing how important this is to you. However, I am not able to help out this time.” Depending on the situation, you may be able to help out at another time and you could offer that up as an option. Maybe you can help out in another way by helping your friend brainstorm additional options and resources.
Your friend has a choice to get another kind of help or ask another for help just as you have a choice to say yes or no. Be wary of the people that only want you to do things on their timeline.
5. WHEN WE SAY “YES” TO ONE THING, WE ARE SAYING “NO” TO ANOTHER.
Try to think and recognize that in the moment. That’s why writing down your morals and values is important. If you need time, ask for it.
“Can I let you know by this evening?”
If you do this, be sure that you get back to the person at the time you specified. If people are consistently pushy, or say that you don’t need to do something, when you have clearly stated that you need to check on something before answering, they are not being respectful or considerate of you.
6. WE DON’T OWE PEOPLE EXPLANATIONS OR TIPS TO WHY WE FEEL A CERTAIN WAY, EXCEPT FOR CERTAIN SITUATIONS WHERE IT MAY BE IMPORTANT.
Our information is “privileged information “. No one needs to know why you are saying no, because it’s none of their business. That is OK! That is not mean. Think about it. How many times have people said no to you without giving a reason? I’m not saying you can’t, but usually the less information to get tangled up in conversation, the better. These are healthy boundaries. You get to choose who you share your privileged information with, when, and how you share privileged information.
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