Working with HS and college student-athletes, I am regularly asked by parents, “How can I best support my child?” Every family varies in its uniqueness respectively. The points made here are not only for your student-athletes enhanced performance. It is also for their positive mental health and to deepen and strengthen your relationship.
#1 Mutual Respect
Some more traditional families have been raised this way and continue to raise their children in the same way. Unfortunately, to continue this perspective, creates a relationship based more on fear and control. From the time a child has the ability to choose one food over another or one outfit over another, it is in the best interest of our child’s mental health to acknowledge their choices and ask their opinion. Of course, we will give them 2-3 options and they need to work within those options.
As children get to 9 or 10 years old, their brains change giving them the ability for more abstract thought. To best support our children, we should ask them their opinion and how they came to their conclusion. Talk candidly and age appropriately about why you did certain things and made certain decisions. Speaking out loud can help your child understand the logic and voice themselves.
By the time they are in HS or college, we must start trusting that we taught them well and continue to talk frankly and often with them, so that they feel comfortable to approach us with real life problems and questions. Keep teaching. Ask them questions. Be curious about their choices without judging. We are training them for the real world, while we are here to help them more readily when they fall. Probably one of the hardest things to do is to let our children make decisions where we don’t agree, watch them fall, and quietly and lovingly help them. These are good opportunities to talk, support, and not lecture, yell or tell them what they should have done. They already know.
If they want to quit their sport, our job is to make sure they don’t make the decision impulsively. It is not our choice. We want to help them really think about what that means, how will their day-to-day change, social changes, lifestyle changes, etc. As long as they have looked at all of these aspects, it is their choice. As a disappointed parent, think “Am I more disappointed or is the disappointment about my child’s feelings?” It is not the end of the world and they will figure it out, even if it’s not the path we want for our child…..TRUST!
#2 Listen To Understand
Listen to understand rather than to be understood. This is a guiding principle that applies to all adults involved, parents and coaches alike. Listening by summarizing their words and validating their feelings builds trust, which is the foundation of a healthy relationship. One of the biggest complaint kids have is that parents talk too much. Listening is a muscle that requires practice. A coachable athlete is a good listener, so we can model this by beginning with the intention of understanding a child's motivations. Don’t ask “Why?” Instead, use the words, “How did you decide to …..?” Ask about their dreams; don't tell them yours.
#3 Encourage Multiple Interests
Listening to Olympians and professional athletes of all sports and ages, I have learned that it is important to try different sports and interests. If an athlete gets injured and is no longer able to play their sport and that sport is all they do, their entire world comes crashing down along with their identity. Many times, I have seen this lead to suicidal ideation. As their parent(s), we must prepare them to be well-rounded to identify in many ways. Examples: “I enjoy playing tennis for fun.” “I am a son / daughter / sibling / friend.” Or “I like science and chess.”
#4 Be Patient
Late bloomers often perform better. Be cautious of voicing expectations for your student-athlete. It is their sport, their life, and their choices. We are to guide and educate. Again, it is not easy to sit back and NOT tell them what to do. Maybe they ask, “what would you do?” Then you can explain. Emphasize your concerns and that it is their choice and you support no matter their decision. Express your worries and fears instead of telling them what they should do.
Dan Walsh, a two-time Olympic rower, division 1 coach, and High School National Champion Coach, exemplifies this path. He started as a wrestler before injuries ultimately led him to find his Olympic dream in rowing instead. We never know. Trust.
Even if an athlete makes it to the collegiate level, Athletes’ Weekly found between 30% and 43% don't return for their sophomore year. We are putting immense pressure on children to make sports their entire lives, when the chances of becoming a college athlete are low. For those talented enough to go pro or become Olympians, depression often arrives when the sport is no longer their life—its depth directly correlated to whether they were loved unconditionally, win or lose.
#5 Have Fun!
We don’t work sports, we play sports. Encouraging kids to participate in multiple sports can take the pressure off, avoid overuse injuries, and help broaden their identity and experiences beyond a single activity. Rather than treating sports as an all-consuming business, let's move away from the bravado and get back to the joyful lessons they can teach, like teamwork, commitment, persistence, and resilience.
Enjoyment of sport is also the path to ‘flow state’, which is the desired state of mind for any athlete to perform their best. Maintaining high-performance is not possible without positive mental health.